The Many Layers of Processing Grief as a Highly Sensitive Person
Over the past year, there’s a good chance that you’ve lost something that you previously took for granted. I know I have. It could have been spending time with a close friend over a cup of tea, casually stopping by a beloved family member’s house, being able to curl up at the library with a good book, going into an office to work, or sending your kids off to school in the mornings. Whether you realized it or not, these changes probably sparked some type of grieving process as they are some type of loss.
Grief doesn’t just show up when a special person or pet passes away, but also when relationships change in any way and when you lose something you’ve become accustomed to such as a job, home, place, lifestyle, or way of being. You can even grieve losing parts of yourself:
the single part when you become married
the partnered part if you become single
the active part if you suffer an injury
the healthy part if you develop a chronic illness
the young part as you age
the productive part if you start to feel depressed, anxious, or burned out
There are so many ways grief shows up in your life that can be easily missed or minimized, especially with the pressure to move through grief quickly and neatly, to minimize the complexity of your emotions, or to focus on the happy memories instead (hello toxic positivity!).
The Complexity of Grieving
Grief is complex, it’s messy, and it comes in waves. Even when a loss is terribly heart wrenching there can be silver linings. When I lost my grandmother a few years back, it was so hard to say goodbye, but I was also so grateful that she didn’t have to suffer anymore. As someone who was always strong-willed and independent, I knew it was hard for her living with physical limitations. Although my grief has subsided significantly, I still tear up when I think of her sometimes. You might have had similar experiences with your own losses. On another note, losing a job can feel devastating at the time, but then may open up space for another opportunity or desperately needed time for rest.
Losing someone or something important to you can be one of the most difficult moments to hold as a Highly Sensitive Person who feels everything deeply and needs space to process and integrate their experiences. You are not only dealing with the emotions of the loss, but also the meaning and the impact on the rest of your life. Grieving as an HSP is a much more complex process so it’s important to grieve on your own terms and at your own pace.
Managing Grief as a Sensitive Person
Here are a few notes on managing and processing grief as an HSP:
Feel Your Feelings
Create space to process your feelings surrounding the grief. This will look different for everyone, but it can be helpful to journal, watch sad movies and cry it out, talk with a trusted friend, visit a therapist, or look through old photos.
Create a Grief Ritual
To honor the loss, you may find it helpful to set up an altar with photos, candles, and/or mementos that you can visit each day. Depending on the type of loss you could include pictures of your loved one, images of your younger self, or a place you desperately miss. Rituals can help create a dedicated time to process the grief and keep it contained so you don’t feel overwhelmed by it throughout your day.
Go At Your Own Pace
Don’t listen to the messages telling you this loss is no big deal, you should be over this, or just focus on the good. You don’t need to employ toxic positivity or minimize your genuine emotions to make others feel comfortable. Remember that everyone grieves differently and at their own pace therefore only you will know when you feel ready to move on.
Look Within
As you move through your grief, there may be others grieving alongside you such as family members or friends. Although it’s tempting to compare your process to theirs, don’t! Remember to look within as only you are having your unique experience of this loss.
Embrace Joy
There may be times when you feel okay, happy even. That’s okay! At all times, you have multiple layers of experience and feelings happening. Times of grief are no different. Grief is a multifaceted process that includes joyful moments amidst the tears.
Remember that You’re Not Overreacting
As a Sensitive Person, you have more complex feelings on a typical day so you’re going to feel a loss or sudden change very differently than the non-HSPs in your life. The grief will feel bigger, the sadness more painful, even the happy memories will be more meaningful and joyful. You also may notice that feelings of grief feel bigger or out of proportion with the moment. That may be because you’re simply a deeper feeler than others or there could be unprocessed grief that your brain is remembering. Whatever the reason, it’s okay, just give yourself the time, space, and support you need to honor your feelings.
Grief shows up in many ways, from the death of a loved one to losing a part of yourself. Either way, the grieving process is complex and unique, especially for Highly Sensitive folks who feel deeply and need more time to process the meaning behind a loss. Remember to honor your feelings, even if others don’t understand or the emotions seem bigger than they should be. Take as much time as you need.
